Are you happy?

The questions are always the same.

Do you have anyone you can talk to?
Do you ever think about hurting yourself?
What stops you from going through with it? 

“I want to increase your medication. I will see you again in three weeks.”

The Death Of Superman

Are you happy?

“This is so fun, but I’m so sleepy. To be continued?”
Alaska Young

Looking for Alaska- John Green

The darkness before the dawn.

Together, we stood in a darkened attic room; you smiled at me through the blackness and as you did a splinter of moonlight glistened in your eyes. I took a daring step toward you and raised my hand to place in upon your cheek. Just as my fingertips ought to make contact with your incredibly fair skin there was a sudden blinding light that dazzled, dazed and imprinted dark spots on my retinas. Just as abruptly as it had come, the light vanished. Slowly my sight returned and I discovered that in your place fluttered a delicate, little leaf-nosed bat. It danced and spiraled before me, taunting and teasing for a short time before darting up towards the skylight and out, disappearing into the night.

I paused and sighed heavily, my eyes drooping to the rotten wooden floorboards beneath my feet as I pondered the extreme lengths to which people would go in order to escape me. The whole bat thing was fairly inventive, I must admit.

A rattling on the glass above my head chased the insecurity away as though it were a startled imp. I glanced up and smiled upon seeing your return. You rapped on the window pane once more with your hind leg and then kicked off to flit above the opening. I leapt into the air and took flight, your presence like pixie dust transforming me into a winged mammal, akin to yourself.

Together we ascended into the night sky, soaring high above the dimly lit towns and villages of rural England. I felt the wind rushing past me and beat my wings harder against cold air. I always dreamt of what it would be like to fly, to feel so free, so incredibly unburdened by anything that could possibly happen in my life, I dreamt of it all through my childhood and into my teenage years but you were the one that made it possible for me to experience. 

I flew at your side until you broke off and headed south, without as much as a glance behind to see whether or not I followed; I did, of course. You raced ahead of me and I thought it best to keep my distance, I pursued you high up through the clouds and far out to sea. Looking down upon the waves crashing over one and other, I thought of all the chaos in the world, but when my eyes returned to your gentle silhouette gliding effortlessly through the star scattered sky, calm overcame all of that chaos and the world fell silent.

I was so lost in you, when I eventually allowed my eyes to stray, we were approaching land and what I realised was the coast of France. You swooped low and danced with your own shadow, cast by the moon upon the sea. I smiled to myself as you then climbed high above the cliffs and glided on the gentle sea breeze toward a few points of light a short distance inland. As we came closer I made out the shapes of buildings and rows of streetlamps that flickered behind tree branches. You circled high above the village a few times and doubled back toward the coast. Perched precariously on the cliffs, looking out to sea stood an old world war two bunker; you descended towards it and landed on the concrete roof, morphing back into your original form. I hesitated for a few moments and then landed beside you, my skin shimmered and shone brightly as I transitioned back into the less than impressive body I was so unfortunately born into.

You walked to the edge of the structure and sat down, hanging your feet over and looking down at the rocks far below. I took a deep breath and opened my mouth to speak but no sound came out, I was so in awe of you. You looked over your shoulder at me and smiled up into my eyes, then patted the space beside you; I was suddenly at ease. I sat down and looked out across the greyscale image of foaming water washing over rocks and silver-flecked waves shimmering with the light from the moon. This whole moment was soundless, no howling of wind or rushing of waves, it was like an old silent movie; piano music played faintly, somewhere in the back of my mind.

After a little while, you spoke to me; you told me what this place was and why you come here. I dared to place my hand on top of yours and in return you rested your head upon my shoulder. I confessed to you my sadness and you shared with me your childhood. The more words that we exchanged, the lighter our burdens became, and as time passed our souls were revealed; laid naked and bare, they glanced into each other and saw themselves reflected perfectly.

I looked down at you and our eyes met. In that moment I realized that there wasn’t just a moonbeam behind that gaze; there was the light of a billion suns, blazing brilliantly, illuminating an entire multiverse of infinite possibilities: encompassing the past, present and future. There was untold beauty to behold, but with it came unimaginable pain. You could see it all. Not just see it, but feel it too. I was overcome by a tide of sadness as I imagined what it might be like to see with your ethereal vision.

I wrapped my arms around you and held you close, promising that I would never let you go.

As the darkness was banished and the skies set aflame by the rising sun, I whispered that I would love you.

Forever.

Man of flesh, bone and blood

My life is falling apart all around me and I’m being buried beneath the rubble of my broken dreams.

Every day I tell myself that it will get better, that all of this is just a rough patch; but I’ve been telling myself the same thing for so long now, that if I look back over my life, I see a vast history of misery with a few brief patches of happiness; rather the opposite of what one would like, don’t you think?

What can I do to escape this hell? There is nowhere for me to find peace while I am trapped inside this mind or body. Foul demons assault me in my dreams, psychotic visions harass me as I wake, guilt poisons the memories of the dead and paranoia clouds the intent of the living. I have no focus in life to draw my mind away from the pain and I have squandered the freedom to slip out from this skin. I am the colossal failure that I always dreaded and today, the unquestionable knowledge of all this became far too much for me to handle. I could barely breathe as my chest tightened, the room spun around me blurring my vision, and I was terrified by the frenzied beating of my heart as it raced toward the brink of insanity.

I hate that I am so fragile, I always used to think of myself as so much more, and even now I feel sickened by the reality of the fact that there are weaknesses in my character, beyond my control that influence my own body and mind. So yet again I have been prescribed more medication to add to my collection, this time only muscle relaxants and codeine but on top of all the other pills I take, I wonder: if I am my personality, flaws, habits and imperfections; at what point will I cease being myself?
How many behavior modifying drugs will it take to lose my own identity?

This being is flawed, I need another.

Wolves At The Door

Every day I feel as though I’m dying, I can scarcely tell that I am still alive at all.

For as many nights as I can remember now I have sat here with my hands resting on this keyboard, waiting for something to come to me but as you can see, nothing ever does. I have no words to write because my mind is fixed on a single nightmare. I can’t imagine anything else when I finally manage to close my eyes and dare to peer inside my psyche.  All I see is death, over and over again; sure, the faces change from one loved one to another and the screams accompanying the terrifying sobs of realisation differ each night but the horror is still the same.

There are nights when I wake up on damp, tear soaked pillows and I go out to my car; I sit there in the driver’s seat with my key in the ignition and I weep because I am entirely conscious of the fact that I have nowhere to go. Tears fall and my fingers grasp the steering wheel tighter as I try to wring out all of the pain in my soul. I have no friends or acquaintances that would understand my feelings and offer me some form of comforting words, or even the time of day. Any individual here that knows me well is either dead or seemingly doing  their damnedest to ignore me.
Who am I kidding? Even if I could get away from this place I know I won’t ever escape myself. 

I dont think that I can take much more of this.