Are you happy?

Crush, Mix, Burn, Repeat.

Every day just gets worse and worse. Please would slit my throat while I sleep?
Watching as my entire life falls apart around me is hell. I don’t want to feel this pain anymore.

Why am I so difficult to love?
Why does every relationship I’ve ever had always end up the same way?
I am so tired.
I am so lonely.
I am so sick of always trying to do the right thing, and failing.
All I want is for you to stay with me, love me and be happy with me.
I know that I have no fucking right to any of those things, that has been made abundantly clear to me, my entire life.
Just cut me open and watch me bleed. Maybe then you will know how you feel about me.

I’m aching, like my organs have been scraped out and the only thing left hanging in my rib cage is a weak, barely beating heart.

My head is buzzing with noise. With each movement I make, my vision blurs. Voices scream back and forth, fighting over what little attention and focus I have control over. 

My body is a contradiction.
I am utterly empty and alone, even while I am haunted constantly by the shadows and ghosts that inhabit my mind. I feel like it is only a matter of time before the black, withered hands of my demons reach down my throat and crush my heart into oblivion. 

Down

As you left I took myself to the window, feeling like every second I see you could be the last.
I watched as you walked away, stopped and then looked back. I hid, like a small child.
I was afraid.
Did you think I was checking on you? Or was it something else?
I want to text and ask but I can’t.
You need time, room to breathe and freedom.
I feel so powerless.
When I looked again a few moments later, you were gone. I stood at the front door and felt tears rolling down my cheeks.

This can’t be the end.

I’ve not been taking my medication for a few days and I feel as though my skull is being smashed into dust with a sledgehammer.
My world is showing cracks in every corner and I can’t imagine holding on to it for much longer.
I’m losing that which I love all over again and I know that I am to blame.
I’m trying not to break the rules and tell you that I am screaming within my mind. I want to know what is being said behind my back but do I really have no right to ask? You ought to be free and I deserve to be punished. I just wish there was a way to make it quick and clean. “Place your head on this slab and close your eyes, it won’t hurt for long.” The heavy metal block comes down and breaks through the bone with ease, it doesn’t stop until my brains are pulverised.

I wish you could stop…
I wish you would.

I have a sadness in my heart that I can’t seem to escape. 

Fake Your Death- My Chemical Romance

"I choose defeat, I walk away
And leave this place for sane today
Some like to sleep, we like to play
Just look at all that pain”

"Death is tragic, but life is miserable." -The Sorrow

02/02/2014

The snow just keeps coming, it lays heavy on the ground and slowly freezes into ice as the hours go by. I sit beside the window and stare out. More snow falls and settles atop the old. Day by day the thickness outside the front door grows. I just sit and stare.
Sometimes I sleep. I didn’t used to sleep so well, I told my therapist and now I take little pink pills. My nightmares still come each night but I can no longer escape them with a jolt and wake myself up. 
I just sleep.
Dawn breaks and I’m fast asleep, the cold winter sun reaches its highest point in the sky and still I slumber. Eventually I wake. I see maybe two hours of daylight before the sun sets and the moon rises. I sit beside the window and the snow falls on, long into the night. 

I think of my old friend as I watch white fall on white. He died, killed himself. I don’t feel sorry for him any more. Instead, I feel angry. 
I still miss him just the same. Only now when I see his ghost, I don’t talk to him. He hurt me.
I don’t want to take these pills anymore, I don’t want to sleep away the days, I don’t want to feel empty and unfulfilled. 
I miss people. I miss what the world was to me when I was a kid. It was an adventure, an experience, a place full of possibilities.
Now, it’s just four walls, falling snow, and wasted days.

Here comes the flood- Peter Gabriel and Robert Fripp
From the album Exposure

"When the flood calls
You have no home, you have no walls
In the thunder crash
You’re a thousand minds, within a flash
Don’t be afraid to cry at what you see
The actors gone, there’s only you and me
And if we break before the dawn,
They’ll use up what we used to be.”

 

Oslo
9th Dec 2013