Are you happy?

Crush, Mix, Burn, Repeat.
Clint Mansell

—Creep (feat. Eliot Sumner)

When you were here before
Couldn’t look you in the eye
You’re just like an angel
Your skin makes me cry
You float like a feather
In a beautiful world
I wish I was special
You’re so fucking special

But I’m a creep
I’m a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don’t belong here

I don’t care if it hurts
I want to have control
I want a perfect body
I want a perfect soul
I want you to notice when I’m not around
You’re so fucking special
I wish I was special

But I’m a creep
I’m a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don’t belong here

She’s running out the door
She’s running out
She runs, runs, runs, runs…
Runs…

But I’m a creep
I’m a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don’t belong here
I don’t belong here

Creep- Clint Mansell and Eliot Sumner

Butterfly Caught

It’s strange, isn’t it?
I found a butterfly at work today. It caught my eye, sitting on a pipe, fluttering its wings. I’ve never seen anything like it before. The body is pure black and the tips of the wings match perfectly but the red that fills the spaces between is such an incredible shade that it made me think of you immediately.
I caught it and prepared to bring it home with me, keen to show it to you.
But before I have even left work, you have already decided that you can’t be with me anymore. My love comes with far too many hopes and expectations. I hold you too tightly. I damage your freedom with my feelings and make you feel trapped. You want me to let you go so you may be free from me. Free to flutter from place to place, alone.


Fine, go…
But I am pulling the wings off this butterfly and naming it Joy.

"Cause even heroes get the blues,
Or any misery you choose
You like to watch, we like to use
And we were born to lose”

Downfall

You’re right, I’m not the man you fell in love with.
He was strong and unyielding. I have sacrificed my soul. I work only for the money, not for my love of it. The money feels undeserved and tainted.
I don’t need this job anymore. I don’t want it.

I didn’t have a choice, did I?
“It’s easy, there’s a trick to it: You do it or you die.”
We needed the money. We needed a place to call our own. We needed a haven within this hellish life.

I felt stranded, out here all alone. Away from the very thing I was working to build and maintain.
The darkness creeps into me so easily. I don’t think it’s ever truely been banished. It hides in the blackest corners, clinging to my insecurities and feeding on my fears.

Love Like Semtex

How many times can you stand to be told that you are the reason they want to end their life?

I have ruined so many lives. 
My love is a curse that forces people to either turn and run or end their lives.
How can I possibly make anyone happy?
My heart is a black hole.

I want to hang until the blackness inside shrivels and collapses in on itself.  

Void

I feel trapped inside my own head. 
I wish intimacy wasn’t so hard to achieve.

Please come back home. 

James Blunt - Goodbye My Lover (Glastonbury 2008)

This version of this song never fails to make me cry.

One week.

That is all it took for us to fall apart.

I’ve loved you to the ends of this earth and beyond but one week apart was too much.
This place is my hell. My demons grow while I am in this old room of mine. 
You are right, you are all that I truly have.

…had.

Now I am afraid to wake up in the morning and go to work at a place that I don’t want to be.
I don’t know anyone there, I’ve not felt this alone in a long time. They are long days and the place is full of cunts.
Our life was my reason for going. Now, my life needs to be enough? 
My life doesn’t mean all that much to me. 
I will work enough to pay the rent next month and my parents and then I will stop.

I will disappear and no one will notice. I can spend my last few days/weeks just wandering until I can’t go on anymore.

I think this will be a fitting end.
I’ve given up. 

£0

Keep your head down, kid.
Do what is expected of you and don’t say a word to anyone.
Emotions are a weakness. You really ought to be better than this.
Work hard and just maybe you will be allowed to leave. 

We will rummage though the wardrobe in the morning and see if we can’t find our old mask; The one with the permanent smile and vacant stare. I know we left it here somewhere.

When the money runs out.

I don’t want to leave.
I know we need the money and we are out of options, I’m just terrified that we will fall apart.
This place has been hell for us but you manage to make it feel like home.
I lay beside you as you sleep. I’m going to miss this most of all.

The past few months have been some of the hardest that we’ve faced together. I know that you’re lonely, this couldn’t have come at a worse time. We are on the line that divides failure and success and I can’t bear to imagine what might become of us in the weeks ahead.

Fear is already beginning to eat away at my mind. The maggots of doubt crawl over my brain and bore deep below the surface.

We’re going to make it, aren’t we?

I wish I didn’t have to leave you alone to face this persistent pain by yourself.
I will be back at your side as soon as I possibly can. I don’t want our dreams to end.